Friday, April 13, 2012

the edge of low tide

something—maybe something bad—happened. i'm not sure what. or when. but the inescapable fact is that it did occur.

i know the washing machine didn't break in the middle of the rinse cycle because i didn't have to haul out the heavy, soaked, sudsy clothes and dump them into the tub and then call sears to send their fix-it man. the kenmore is more than twenty years old and it wouldn't be worth fixing anyway.

i didn't back out of the garage and run over my bicycle. my bicycle is already broken.

i was vacuuming what i thought was just sand and dog fur and food debris on the floor of the car when the vacuum cleaner sucked in a disgusting gob of god-knows-what and it got stuck and the hose clogged and no matter what i did i couldn't remove it. but that's not what i'm talking about.

the endoscopic procedure i had last week was no fun and the nasty stuff they force you to drink made me violently ill, but the doctor's office called and said everything looked fine, the polyps were benign, no need to worry, see you in five years.

maybe my old dog died of cancer? and i wept and wept? and when i finally wiped my eyes and blew my nose i sprinkled her ashes near the places in the yard she loved best: the shade under the canopy of white pines in summer, the sun-filled flagged patio in spring, the edge of the driveway in winter (where she loved to wiggle on her back on a hill of snow left by the plow), the oak leaf covered front lawn in fall where she would happily sniff and sniff and sniff.

the vet syringed the large lump on her side and the tube filled with goop that looked like the cold mucus-like "20% fat" that oozes out of hamburger after you brown it for lasagne. the test came back negative, though. so no, that's not it either.

on the highway the cops were out in full force and i had to slow down. i swear i was not reading, putting on make-up, or texting while driving. there was no five car pile-up, no mangled metal, no mutilated flesh.

nobody drowned in the cove this winter, no one needed rescuing.

as i walked along the edge of low tide i concentrated hard and strained my eyes looking for signs.

i'm still searching, wondering what might have happened and if i should let anyone know.

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